It’s every girl’s dream to get married to the man they love and so imagine spending her entire life with.
it’s my dream too to marry young to the man whom I love and desire to build a family with and thus living happily ever after, more or less.
but, how long can a human love just that same one person?

honestly, I’ve thought of marriage, having kids and family. but I’ve never thought to the furthest stage of old age. till the point where our kids are grown up and married with their own families to look after. till the days that it’ll just be me and my aged old man. I wonder how it’ll be like. if he’ll still love me and hold my hand. or even if I will still love him and feel the flutter in my heart when it’s our special day.

it’s all very hard to say. just take a look at couples and families around you. how many are truly happy and loving till this day?

we live in a broken world filled with broken people.

at times I tend to compare mine with other’s family. I know it’s no good comparing for we each have our own family issues to deal with. but I always wish that my family could be just a little tighter. just a little more concern about each other’s lives. just a little more love shown and exemplified.

I guess the thing my family taught me is how to be strong and independent, to carry my own burdens and put on a brave face. but how is this good at all?

I dont know how to live in a community.
I dont know how to open up my life and struggles.
I dont know how to trust others.
I dont know how to show and accept love.
I dont know how to lay my pride down or to apologize.
I dont know how to care for others.
I dont know how to not be indifferent.
I dont know how to depend on my friends or much less depend on God.

I come home everyday to a quiet house, with everyone just at their own private corners.

sometimes I wish that someone will quarrel.
at least that goes to show that they cared enough to correct.

Edwin plays Candy Crush and always clicks the ‘End Game’ button when he’s about to run out of moves to complete the stage so that he can just try again. Many times in life we do things that we really regret and just wish that we could press the restart button to try it all over again. 

That’s what I thought I could do. 
Just up root my current life and start from zero. 
No friends, no history and a completely new me.
Wanting to change many things in my life if I could. 

Well.. today is my final day of work at the student care. As of 630pm, I am jobless. 
I kind of have a chance to start a fresh. Find a new job, meet new colleagues. Start school, meet new course mates. Handling new situations and juggling stress. How am I going to respond and what will my actions and thoughts be this time round? Will I still chose to stay indifferent and silent, or will I chose to be loud and open? 

Starting on a clean slate for so many things. 
I pray that I will still seek God’s guidance and depend on Him 

Funny how we always look for ourselves in a group photo to check how we look, if our smile is weird or our hair in place. 
It’s like as if we don’t already know how we look like. 
So, do we really know ourselves?

Just a random thought as I scroll through these newly uploaded photos from my songkran trip in April. 

Radion. 
It’s where I lost myself, found God, and re-found myself all over again. 
I really miss those days, these kids, the amazing staff, the presence of my Lord, and my ‘naked’ true self. 

2010 was the year that I got to know about Radion. It’ll always be a memorable year, cuz that’s when everything changed for me. Don’t know why I suddenly feel like writing about it. I guess I’m always reminded of them in almost everything that I do everyday. Just like how at church last Sunday, we sang the song ‘Empower Me’ and it reminded me of how we sang the song to the villagers in their houses. Interacting with kids every working day makes me miss the village kids so much. I think I will never be able to forget how it felt like to be there in 2010. Simply life changing. 

I remember how almost everyone seemed to be receiving so much from God, words, visions, promptings, gifts to sense something wrong. but God seemed to be just silent towards me no matter how much I prayed and asked to hear His voice. I compared what I’ve learnt to what my friends’ got out of the trip and I seemed to be loosing out on so much more. I was not ready to go back to Spore. The last day, I skipped breakfast to continue in prayer. Waiting upon God to tell me something more to satisfy my heart. and this was what I got from Him.

“I do not need to see miracles to know that God loves me. I do not need to hear from God to know that God loves me. I do not need to compare the amount I’ve learnt or received with others to know that God loves me. I do not need to experience God in a super powerful way to know that God loves me. 
Because God just loves me that way I am. 
His love is never changing. He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore. His love is unconditionally sufficient.”

How amazing is our God right. 
oh gosh.. back to the point of this post…
do we really know ourselves? who are you? 

I am a child of God. 

Feels so good to tidy up the mess in my room.

For the longest time ever, my dad has been saying that we’re going to renovate the house. And ever since I think Poly, I’ve been eagerly waiting for the day to pack my room into boxes and to welcome my newly self designed room. This is the bad part about having a Dad who works as a interior designer - obviously he refuses to hire a designer to do it. Everything is to be done by him and his own workers. But he and his workers are always busy with other projects. like duh right… and so, it’s been delayed year after year, promises after promises. 

I suppose I’ve always been giving myself and my parents the same excuse to not tidy up my room - we’re going to renovate, why tidy now? Wait till it’s time to pack, then tidy up la. … 
I believe our living condition reflects the condition of our heart and our life. 

After clearing up all the junk in my room, life feels …. liberated. 
Although it was a bit heart wrenching to decide to give away things and throw away items, but on the contrary it was really liberating to do so. Coming home everyday to a clean sight, it feels strangely good. 

Next step to moving on in life - uncluttering my life

I find sleep such a waste of time.
I mean, so much can be done while you spend the weekend catching up on your sleep.
there’s so much on my to-do list which I never got down to listing the items in it.
but it’s such a conflict within myself. I love sleeping. and if I could, I would rather spend the whole day sleeping than go to work.

I have a problem with making friends with new people.
I don’t know how to start conversations.
I can’t be bothered, seems more like it.
I pretend to act cool and independent all on my own.
even if it means eating meals alone.
I don’t join in conversations and always giving vague replies.
I don’t open up my life to even share holiday experiences.
I don’t have many friends.
I’ve lost some good friendships.
I think what I have now is sufficient.
I feel that friendship quality is better than quantity.

Truth is…

I am afraid of new commitments with a new group of friends.
I am afraid of friends drifting apart after a few months.
I am afraid of getting hurt.
I am afraid of being a disappointment.

So…

I am anti social.

(kinda sucks to be me)

you realise just how unimportant you are and how much a difference you’ve not made in a person’s life when you leave and no one misses you and nothing’s changed.

right.. so it’s cny day 4. I’m lying on my friend’s spare bed, pretending to be asleep. my bf is playing mj with 3 of his other friends. and tmr is Valentines day. my very first.

I never got to tell him how I felt about being an insecure gf. I wish we could spend more time sharing about things upon our hearts instead of just being tgt like any couple you see along the roads, only sharing moments tgt. making him a scrap book for his birthday helped me to see what I loved about him. but it also helped me to see what he is not.

I wish that he would never change, his character, his likes, his actions and thoughts. but, who am I to make such a demand? everyone changes. for the better or for the worse. I change too. ask my sec school friends and they’ll tell you how different a person I am. I wish he’ll still be the same till we grow old. but I know, that’s hardly possible. but I’ll still chose to love him even if he no longer possess the characteristics that I admire - these things that I write in the scrap book.